I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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