why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
her facebook's as public as her vagina
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
And my parents said I crawled through the house
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
