Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
