I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
