If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
