my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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