At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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