If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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