So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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