Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
God, I missed his penis.
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