So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
