In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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