I'm drive I can fine osifer
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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