I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
