Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
