i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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