I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
