2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
