Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
