I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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