Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
