my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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