So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
