I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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