Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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