Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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