she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
and she was petting her beer can
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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