Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
