We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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