I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
