we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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