The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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