Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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