WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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