I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
