dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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