He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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