My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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