The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
