I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
