We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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