I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
