so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
