I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
