sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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