I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
