I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
