Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
