She swung at the pinata with crutches
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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