Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
