You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
