My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
